The baby question keeps coming up, but people admit they are afraid to ask.

I keep having a conversation with people about future pregnancies. They always say, "I wondered, but I was afraid to ask". It isn't a taboo subject for me, but I know fertility can be a very difficult and personal conversation for some people. Because of that, I would never bring it up... but here I hope to answer some questions.

The answer is, we don't know. There really isn't research on the subject dealing with the specific chemo agents I received. They don't know if I can have children, and they don't know if I can't. I can tell you my hormones are totally 'out of whack', but in a matter of time everything could balance itself out. I could be in early menopause, but the docs cant know just yet. I am going to get blood work done in a few months to determine my "ovarian reserve", but even the results from that test could change. My oncologist won't even look into the possibility of early menopause until next spring. Even if my hormones were balanced, meaning my cycle was normal, I can't attempt pregnancy until December 2015. It takes two years for the chemo drugs to be out of my system enough to consider having a baby. I feel a little bad for Nathan, because he's stuck sibling-less, but I feel total relief.

I feel relief because I don't deal with stress well. I know, who does? Well, some people deal with it better than others. When I'm stressed I take it out on the people around me and I get sick, physically. I hate who I become when I'm really stressed. I had a plan to have a child every two years, in order to have 3 children before I turned 40. If I had not gotten sick, I would have stuck with that plan.... and I would be a mommy wreck right now.

If we can have more children, when the time is right, we will. If we can't, we won't. It is a funny thing. I have been given blessings about the 'children' I would raise... never child.... but even if 'children' doesn't happen, that is fine. It won't shake my faith. I know it would some people, but my faith isn't based on stuff like that. I think it will be one of those things I will ask about on the other side, but for now I am happy with what ever will be.... to an extent.... I mean... we want children enough that if I am a candidate, we would try IVF... but if it isn't going to happen, it is ok. Nate and I also talk about adoption, but we have mixed feelings on that subject, for us, as well (For the record I think adoption is great, I just don't know if it is for us). I think when the time comes to worry about it, we will worry about it. But for now, I think about our next baby/babies and I don't stress about it... Will I get my red headed baby girl??? Will little N be a big brother??? Who knows?

'ce la vie'.

P.S. Some people may know, from social networking sites, that Im getting rid of our baby things... It isn't lack of faith, it is because we won't have a baby until after we leave Omaha, and I don't want to move it with us. By then there will be better baby stuff on the market, and I will probably want that better stuff anyway.