I made a promise.

Back in June, when I wanted to die, and when even my husband was praying that God would relieve my suffering... I made a promise.

That terrible week my brother came and spent the night at the hospital. He texted my family and told them to come, because “with every breath I was struggling for life”. If you know my brother at all you know he is not at all dramatic. My siblings all came at great sacrifice... And that was a turning point for me... and for all of us. They fasted and we each committed to give our lives more fully to God.

In my heart and mind, I shifted gears. I was hoping to die.. and I thought, when I die, I will be with my grandma and aunts... helping my family in any way that I can. The shift was a realization that I can do the same thing on this side and still be my son’s mommy and my husband’s wifey. Once that clicked for me, and my family joined together in a fast... and my dad gave me the most amazing blessing... and my siblings made the same commitment in their own ways, I knew I was staying.

So now I’m here wondering how to fulfill that commitment... how to more fully do God’s will.

And then, yesterday I heard Immaculee’ Ilibigiza speak at the Doterra convention. (I streamed it from home) She is a catholic who survived the Rwanda genocide... she hid in a 3’x5’ bathroom with 8 other women for three months. She wrote a book called Left to Tell, that became a NY times best seller in it’s first week. Anyways, through her experience she read the Bible, and learned to forgive the people who slaughtered who family, and how to listen to God’s voice... and how to live a life of LOVE.

When she was in the refugee camp, sleeping under the stars with no posesions, and very little food, she would wander the camp looking for ways to help and give people love. At night, under the stars, she would pray, and report her offering of love and service for the day...and it was enough. She said she had nothing to give, and yet, she still could give the most important thing, love.

Listening to her I realized, I know how to keep my commitment. I can love. I can do that. It’s the great commandment... I can listen attentively when normally I wouldn’t. I can ask for opportunities to love... and I can pray at night and report that I did my best... sometimes I won’t follow through perfectly, but sometimes I will.

I read this verse tonight, and it brought me to tears... I think it is how I feel about my life right now. Beauty for ashes. I want to be that tree.

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified