MATCHED!!!!

About a year ago my dad gave me a blessing that basically helped me let go of the dream of creating a child with my body. Well, his words were something like... "you knew the chances were slim".

I literally cried for a week. After that week, I was again willing to explore adoption. I called my friend Tamara Hyde. She is the adoption guru. She placed her son about 20 years ago and has been a spokesperson for birth mothers ever since. She's eloquent and bold. Anyways, I just wanted to start gathering information. She told me she was speaking at an adoption conference in Utah that week. So, by myself, I went.

I felt really out of place. I was surrounded by couples. Very sad and desperate couples. I was by myself, because Nate was working. Over the past few years there has been sadness and depression caused by infertility. But I didn't like the feeling of hopelessness and desperation. I don't mean to be down on those people. They have obviously endured so much. Infertility is no pic-nic.  I just didn't like the heaviness I felt and I didn't want to belong to a club that felt that way. It was ok, because, since I was w/o a spouse at the event, none of the other couples talked to me. I went to the adoption classes, and most of the lingo and information was over my head. I mean IPC and relinquishment... and tax laws. ugh.

But I did come away with a private adoption agency. I spoke to a young intern. They weren't fancy. There were several booths there, but because I was flying solo, none seemed to interested in chatting with me. I didn't even know what questions to ask. I knew nothing about adoption, except that it might be the only option to grow our family.

Like I said, I walked away with a folder that had all of the information I needed to start down the "domestic infant adoption" road.

That night I asked Nate if he was willing to give it a try, and he said yes.  A few years before when we thought about adoption, we both felt blocked. This time we both felt good about it... and, I felt good about the agency. Over the next two months we gathered all of the required paperwork and turned it in. Two social workers came to our house and looked through our cupboards and asked us a million questions. They talked to our little 4 year old to make sure he was a happy well adjusted kid who liked his parents. phew, we all passed. Three months later, at the beginning of May, our "home study" was complete and we were legally ready to adopt.

Then the waiting.
The emotional ups and downs and doubts.
The fear.
The questions.
"can we really do this?".
"Do we really want to do this?"
"Isn't our one perfect son enough?"

And, we considered other options. We went to a fertility doctor, and I was told one more time that my eggs were fried. We learned about "embryo donation". We considered finding an egg donor. (Shopping for egg donors is weird... worse than on-line dating)

No option seemed perfect or ideal. They all had elements that concerned us.

Building a family in any way other than (romance=baby) is arduous.

At the beginning of October Nate and I talked with our Bishop to ask about the LDS' stance on embryo adoption or egg donors. We both expressed the feeling of, "it would be a lot easier if we knew we were done". Even as I expressed this feeling I felt like, easy isn't always the best solution... and I felt the growth that we would miss out on if we chose the road of ease... but overtly I thought... I'm tired. Maybe I can get my masters in Social Work now. Maybe there is some other way that I can serve the world? After Nate closed our Bishop meeting with a prayer, the Bishop promised us that if we prayed to find out if our family is complete as is, that we would get an answer.

So we prayed. Nate felt like it would be ok if we stayed a family of 3. I on the other hand was getting a completely different message. All I could do was think about babies, and dream about babies. I even asked a best friend if she would consider being our egg donor. We even went to the temple, and I kept flipping to baby bible stories. ugh. Was it just me or inspiration. Sometimes it is so hard to know. I questioned every thing over the past few years that I considered personal revelation. I thought, if I'm wrong about this, I'm wrong about every answer to every pray I have ever received.

When you are in a marriage, you can't move forward with family planning, unless both parties are willing. Especially if you are doing some expensive fertility science project.

I did feel from the experience that I don't think I want to carry another baby. I try not to fear, but I do fear what carrying another baby will do to my body. Cancer is the worst, and I don't want to risk it making any sort of surprise comeback. So, Nate and I thought maybe we could be foster parents. We have a neighbor who is an emergency foster parent. Every now and again she will come to church with a baby or toddler that stays with her until the state can find a more stable placement.

The evening of OCT 30th, on the way home from Wal-Mart, I told little N that we will probably not have another baby. I asked him if he thought that would be ok. In my rear view mirror I saw his bottom lip fatten and his brow curl. He said, "I am sad, but I am not going to cry." (while tears started falling) I told him sometimes babies aren't that great. They steal your toys and mess up everything... and they cry and poop. The fat lip didn't go away. I asked him if he might like being a foster brother. I told him that the kids would probably eventually go home to live with their parents. He, with a quivering voice said, "but then who will I play with when they go home?"

oh man. he was not ok with our family being as-is either.

Then that night while carving a pumpkin, we got a phone call from our case manager. She told us about a couple that chose us. A couple that was excited to meet us. A couple that wanted us to adopt their baby girl that will be born Feb 28th.

Paralyzed with excitement and Overwhelmed.

The few weeks before we got that call on Halloween Eve have felt like the darkest, most confusing weeks since starting down the adoption road.

It truly is darkest before the dawn.

I haven't slept without the help of Nyquil since that night. Im stress eating and obsessively cruising online garage sales for baby items. In case you can't tell... I'm kind of freaking out, but in the best way possible.

Last night I went to the United For Adoption Conf again. The same one I attended a year ago. This time I felt like an infertility wise woman. I belonged. I knew people. I connected with others that are going through this crazy ride too. Nate and I attended a birth-mother panel together. Nate's first, and my second. Those moms. I love them all so so so much.

I talked with the case worker Natalie, who is the case worker representing our matched "expecting parents".  From talking with her last night, I could connect with them and feel their sincerity (through their caseworker)... and I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I've been paralyzed with excitement... afraid to feel. Felt guilty for hoping that this little girl will actually come to our home. Ive wanted to tell everyone, but have felt afraid to tell anyone.

We meet Trinity and Gabe in just a few days. I know so little about them. But, I do know that they want to do what is best for their unborn child. They seem really good. I wish time would speed up and stop all at the same time.

The clincher,

We left Little N with a cute babysitter who lives down the street. When I took her home she told me that little N told her he was getting a baby after Christmas. I'm so excited for him to have a little sister. I am so excited to have a baby girl in our family.

and...

I'm also terrified of all of the what if's.

Man.

Life.

It definitely is not boring.