Un-matched

 and just like that, Trinity decided to parent. So, this means we are not adopting in Febuary. Our agency calls it a “change of heart”. People hoping to adopt call it a “failed adoption”. 

 I don’t blame her. I wish her the best. She’s a smart strong women... and even though the road ahead of her isn’t one I’d wish on anyone, she is capable. 

We are pretty sad. I feel the same way I did after having a first trimester miscarriage, before little N came along. So, I know we will be ok. I’ve done this before. I wonder if I will always wonder about that little girl. And, whatever sadness we feel right now, it can’t even compare to the sadness Trinity would experience if she placed her baby with us  for adoption. Especially if she would regret her decision later. I’m glad she backed out now, and didn’t wait until she was in the hospital.

So there you go. Who knows what is next? I’m currently researching dream vacations... and I’m not that interested in thinking about future family planning. Adoption is not for everyone, and it might not be for us. Maybe after all of this, I am finally ok being done.

Little N is handeling it pretty well. We always presented it to him as a maybe...never a for sure thing. He says he’s sad, but he’s ok and happy. He thinks we will just adopt a different baby...but who knows. I don’t think I’ll tell him we won’t, but that might be it for us. We’ve been through a lot... and right now I don’t have it in me. 

Who knows what all of those experiences have meant through out my life... you know, the profound spiritual ones that have told me I’d have more than one child. That has been my main motivation for trying so hard. Anyways... I have a lot I could say, but I won’t. My mom suggested going into a closed room and yelling at God. I don’t know if that’s what I want to do, but I do have a few questions. His ways are so confusing sometimes... and right now is one of those times. 

I told our case manager that if Trinity changes her mind again, that I don’t want to know about it until she has the baby. I suppose I’ll wonder until February comes and goes. 

If another opportunity doesn’t present itself before our homestudy expires in May, we are done with adoption. 

That’s it.