Day +11, Friday

Today I had a few thoughts, I thought worth writing. The first I have had since I've been admitted this hospital stay. I wrote a blog post about what ive been feeling the last few days, and then my phone froze and the post was not saved.

Chalice, my sister, wrote a comment about some she knew. the friend of a friend was given morphine because her mouth pain was so strong. I have been on morphine since day +9.... That is probably why day +8 was my last post. Im only writing now because I feel better.

When I first came to the hospital I was too anxious to think about anything. I tried to be reflective, but really I was in denial about how nervous I was for the transplant. My dad asked if he could do anything Sunday night, and I asked for a father's blessing.  In case you have never heard of such a thing, here is a link to a definition of what a priesthood blessing is. A father's blessing is a priesthood blessing given from father to child. The blessing gave me peace and comfort. He also emphasized that he felt very impressed that we were surrounded by family who loved us and were looking out for us as guardian angles. After wards Dad told me that he has never felt such a strong feeling of family before. I am glad that we could all feel that together. My dad also posted some really nice thoughts on Face Book. I will re-post them at the end of this blog post. It is his perspective on watching his child in pain... and knowing that he could not do anything to fix it. In case you don't know him you should know that he is a

good guy.

Whenever i have had to read books about a heroic character who comes out of not so heroic circumstances, i wonder, if in the end, i would be that kind of character? Would I give away my last piece of bread, would I show compassion and service to the very end. I still don't know... But what I do know, is this. After a few days of no eat and little sleep I am less compassionate. Less forgiving and patient. Everyone forgives me because it is "understandable in the situation", but really? I hope I can be better. I know I can. 

This is my dad's sweet Face Book post. Even though it is about me I can totally relate as if I had to be in his position watching little Nathan suffer. 

I am sitting with Tanya just being here. Her throat and mouth are too sore to talk. She is mostly sleeping, I assume because of pain medicine. I volunteered today knowing it would be slow, because I need to know she is ok. Her white cell count is up a bit today from 0 to.5 (500),which is good. Now she can start healing. she hasn't eaten anything for a couple of days so as the counts go up the healing is escalated then hopefully the appetite returns and a new Tanya emerges from this poor pained body I now look upon. It is very hard to witness this level of suffering of my own little girl and wish I could take it away. But, alas I am not able to do that. It is a humbling really that we all have to ultimately carry our own crosses. But, having said that knowing that the dear sweet savior is their helps when the burden becomes to great. I feel I am in a sacred place here watching mu dear sweet child fight her battle for life. We are blessed with so many wonderful family and friends who are in our corner with words of encouragement and most with their fervent prayers in our behalf.