Mother's milk

There is a detailed story to be told, and I'm not sure I want to write it all. Maybe I will later and maybe I won't. 

The very short version is this. Wednesday   , August 7, I had blood work done because I wanted to see if my thyroid was off, or if I was anemic. I expected both because I've been so tired and lightheaded lately.it was neither.

Wednesday afternoon the UNMC midwife  called to tell me my blood work was very concerning. My  hemoglobin and platelet count was really low. My white blood cell count was a low normal, but the cells were abnormal. Leukemia. Come to the hospital immediately. In a daze I packed for myself and baby. Baby crawled around in my chaos chewing the remote control, shoes and my phone... And I didn't stop him... So he thought it was awesome. Nate came home sweaty and panicky. He had ridden his bike home and he crashed... Not a bad crash, but he was still shaken for obvious reasons. 

The next day, yesterday, ultrasounds were taken, blood was drawn, pills were given, an Iv catheter was inserted and a bone marrow biopsy taken.... And in between I nursed my little boy. 

Leukemia, shku-meane-a.

But my little boy. How will he eat? I want to give him mothers milk. I'm not so anti-formula that I would refuse to use it now. I'm not. But, we have tried giving it to him in the past and he hates it. Really, I just dont want him to loose daily care from his mama and have to go hungry in the process... Until he gives in because he's so hungry and finally takes the formula. 

Assuming that was our only option I wasn't too hopeful. There is a moms milk donation group in Iowa that the hospitals tap into for premie babies. Insurance covers it, I think. In our case, since Nathan isn't the patient it would cost $15 plus shipping for a bottle. There's just no way. 

My visiting teacher came to sit with me and Nathan. People have volunteered to give us meals and to babysit, but really... I'm most concerned about cutting my boy off so abruptly. my VT called a few lactating women in our ward, and they are willing to donate. My new friend brought us 4oz last night. she also offered to babysit and just strait up nurse him while she watched him. Im so ok with that, and i will probably take her up on that offer. And, out of no where a nurse gave us 8oz of fresh milk she had pumped that day. I'm so grateful for these mommies that are willing to share their precious milk. 

I nursed little Nathan for the last time last night. I rubbed his littlest head and sang to him. I will miss our time together. I will miss cuddling him in the coming weeks. I pray that he will be cuddled and loved ... And that he will thrive in my absence.