Solidarity

I am good in a crisis... and I have been in a few crisis situations. Most involved working with youth in wilderness therapy programs. For those who don't know about wilderness therapy, it is this really beautiful concept of sending "at risk" youth into the woods for months at a time. Working for these programs, it was my responsibility to keep the youth safe and to walk with them as they dealt with the issues that motivated their parents to send them there. The emotional crises were one thing, but then we had to reckon with natural crises like  flash floods and blizzards. I found that my method of operation is this... Im great during the crisis. I have energy, Im strangely happy, my thoughts and instincts work in my favor... It is a few days later when everything is ok that I actually deal with the crisis emotionally. Anyways, it has worked for me. 

What this has to do with our current situation... and I say our, because I realize this is OUR situation. I was talking to the social worker today and she mentioned that family and friends feel powerless when someone they love is going through cancer treatment... and because there is so little that they can do, they might really grab hold of anything they can control. I knew that this was hard on Nate. I know its not the best for little Nathan. I didn't even think of my siblings. I think they are all dealing with this "crisis" in the best way they know how... and for some it may be more difficult than others. 

You all should know that I am fine. I get good sleep. Nurses, Doctors cater to my every need. Im in a huge beautiful room. Nate sleeps here most nights and my parents bring little Nathan in the afternoons. Because of generous friends, family and even strangers we have a freezer full of mama's milk... My church congregation is very supportive... I have time to blog, watch movies, read books. When is the last time you had time to read a book?

So... Don't cry for me, because I'm not crying for me. Leukemia and cancer are scary words... but the reality is that I am young and otherwise healthy. I have a good healthcare team on my side... and really it is just the life interruption that I hate. I'd rather be looking forward to little Nathan's first birthday then a bone marrow transplant in October. I'd rather be in Park City for Thanksgiving as we had planned. I'd rather be spending my days at the park or going on walks with the boy and the dog... or even trying to tackle the tower of transitioning baby to people food. (that was my biggest challenge before the Leukemia diagnosis)  Despite all of the "I'd rathers", I don't cry every day or feel sorry for myself. I cry appropriately some days, but who doesn't? 

he's with me.