After the head shaving, Amy and I had ceremony to signify letting go of emotional or physical burdens. I committed to leave behind or let go of burdens or baggage that only weigh me down. I thought it was an appropriate thing to do since I had to physically let go of my hair. Other than letting go of my hair, I thought about fear, control and a few other things. Hopefully this small act will help me continue on this journey a little less encumbered.
Don't get me wrong. This is hard... And I've been a little emotional the last few days. I found out Friday that instead of best case scenario... We have the worst case scenario. The genetics of the leukemia are very complicated, and I need a bone marrow transplant. This will happen, if one of my siblings is a match, in 8-10 weeks. Prior to transplant i will receive chemo again to totally kill my immune system. Following transplant, I will be on immune suppressant drugs for 100 days, during which time I have to have a caregiver for 24 hours a day.... And I can't drive for 6 months after transplant.... And
Nate and I are thinking of hiring a full time baby sitter during the day for little N, and having family and friends take care of me. It is a lot to figure out...And Nate and I are both bad at logistics... But I guess we will figure it out... Oh and... On top of all of this, Nate has to take an important doctor test by the end of October.
I guess I'm writing about all of this because... Even though I trust God, and the goodness of people... It is still a lot. i feel peace mostly, and I blame that peace on everyones prayers. i know this will make us better... But sometimes it still sucks.
I'm a friend of Chalice. I hope you don't mind me following your journey. You will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind you following at all Jean... especially if I get your prayers out of the deal. :)
DeleteI think you look good with no hair. I mean it. I have a messed up skull with weird indents all over it, plus I have a chubby face, and I think I would not look good with no hair. But you, you pull it off! Not that that's what matters, it's just the first thought I had when I looked at your picture. I think that blanket stepping ceremony sounds wonderful. I want to know more about your treatment -- why do you have to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant? And have your siblings started testing yet? We are all pulling for you. Love you.
ReplyDeletemy siblings have been contacted. it will probably take a few weeks to get their blood samples into the lab. It's a genetics test and takes a couple of weeks. I will be SHOCKED if one of my siblings isn't a match, just SHOCKED.... more shocked then I was to find out I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Im not sure why I will have to have 24 hour care. Im not sure how tired and weak I will be.... maybe I wont be... maybe it is just super important that I take my medications on time, and maybe some of the medications will effect me in a way that I wont be trusted on my own. I guess I could read about it, instead of all of this guessing. All I know is that the 100 days following transplant are really important... and that that is when my new immune system will take root and grow. at first I wont have an immune system at all.... so we have to get rid of our down comforter and clean our carpets... and probably a few other changes need to happen so I don't come down with an infection. Love you too Amy.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTanya you are amazing and wonderful, lovely and truly inspiring. Thing is, you were all that way before the leukaemia. And I've always secretly admired and loved you for it. Thank you for sharing your journey and allowing us to be with you through it with thoughts and prayers and love even if we can't physically be with you. Much love to the 3 of you and your families. P.S. Nate jr? TOO beautiful xx
ReplyDeleteoh thank you Karen. YOu are pretty great too. If you get real sick, you will be amazed all of the people that will surround you and tell you so... and they would for you too. but, thank you... and your welcome. and thank you for the love and prayers. If anything I won't ever doubt that I am loved. I hope you feel that way too Karen!
DeleteHi Tanya,
ReplyDeleteThis is Gina Hill (formerly Messick... don't know if you remember me, I'm Tyson and Ryan's sister... Veldon and Joyce's daughter). Collete B shared your blog address with me.
I'm saddened to hear of what you are going through, but I have loved reading your posts. It is amazing how our Faith in the gospel can buoy us up during the hard times...However, it is still crazy hard. (Something our family learned during my dad's struggle with cancer).
We recently moved to Western Nebraska. (Sidney) We already love this state and the people here. We are a good stopping point between Utah and Omaha. We can see I-80 from our home! :) If anyone in your family needs a place to stay between here and there our doors are open. We have a guest room. :) Just let me know. Here's my email ginakhill (at) gmail dot com. Your family is in my prayers.
Take care,
Gina
Gina. I do remember you as a little girl. Well, I remember that Ryan had two little sisters. Kathy Zebriskie and I judged him to be one of the nice young men, because he was a good brother to his sisters.
DeleteYour mid-way offer between Utah and Omaha is actually really good. I think the main person who could take advantage of that in my family, if they needed to, would be my brother Jake. Im not sure how Nate's family will travel, but I will email his dad and let him know the offer stands. - - that is a great great offer... and I will let you know. I didn't know your dad struggled with cancer. It is such a weird thing. Its something you hear about, but you never think it will impact your life directly... and then, just like that, it does.
And true... with the gospel... and the relationship I already have with God... and because I have overcome some gnarly stuff in the past... Im lucky to already know that he's here for me. And this... this is just a sickness... one that they are good at taking care of.... one that they will take care of. I think it is other people that know and love me... that are far away... they are the ones that worry. I feel really calm and peaceful... sometimes tired and sometimes sick, but peaceful. :)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete